You know that mildly panicked feeling you get when you found out your friend’s mother just died and you really don’t know what to say?

你有没有过这样惊慌的经历：你好友的母亲不幸去世，她正沉浸在撕心裂肺的痛苦之中，你却不知道如何去安慰她?

Breathe. It will be okay.

深呼吸，你能行的。

1. Not so good – “God will never give you more than you can handle.”

不要说：“上帝不会让你承受更多苦难。”

Even if the person has a faith system that includes God, this phrase has the tacit implication that if you can’t handle things, you must not have enough faith, you’re a bad Christian, etc.

如果这个人对上帝有着很坚定的信仰，这句话就有了隐藏的含义：也就是说如果你处理不好这件事，你肯定是没有坚定的信仰，不是虔诚的基督徒等等。

Better – “This must be so hard for you.”

不如说：“我知道你肯定非常难受。”

2. Not so good – “I’m sure it’s all for the best.”

不要说：“我想这一切可能是最好的结果。”

Ack! Try really hard not to say this! Right now, the grieving person doesn’t see that anything is for the best except to have her loved one back.

我的天，千万别说这句话!这个沉浸在悲痛中的人并不觉得一切是好结果，除非她的至亲能够复活。

Better – “It’s hard to understand why these things happen.”

不如说：“真不知道为什么会发生这样的事情。”

3. Not so good – Saying nothing at all.

不要：什么都不说。

This is actually one of the worst things that can happen to a grieving person: having people ignore his pain. If you’re not sure what to say, or are uncertain that the person wants to talk about it, it’s okay to say just that.

周围的人忽视他的伤痛，这对伤痛的人来说可能是最坏的事情之一了。如果你不知道去说些什么，或者不确定他是否愿意聊这件事，那就直接说出来吧。

Better – “I’m not sure what to say but I want you to know I’m here for you.”

不如说：“我不知道该说些什么，你只要知道我一直都在你身边。”

4. Not so good – “He’s in a better place” or “Just be happy he isn’t in pain anymore.”

不要说：“他去了更好的地方” 或 “开心点，他不再痛苦了。”

These things are always so well-intentioned, but ouch! The place the griever wants him to be is with her, no matter how much pain he was in or how difficult the caregiving was.

这些话的初衷的确是好的，但是悲痛者还是希望至亲就在自己身边，无论至亲有着什么样的痛苦或者无论照顾起来是多么的麻烦。

Better – “You must miss him terribly.”

不如说：“你肯定十分想念他。”

5. Not so good – “I know exactly how you feel.”

不要说：“我完全知道你的感受。”

This is very tempting to say, but be careful: Even if you have experienced a loss, each person has their own unique path to travel so you can’t know exactly how he feels.

我们总会说这句话，但是记住，即使你也失去过亲人，但每个人的生命旅途不一样，所以你并不可能完全知道别人的感受。

Better – “I can’t begin to understand how you feel”

不如说：“我没法真正体会你现在的感受。”